One Year Since You Left - Oracle of the Land

Letter to my brother

In just a few days it will be one year since you passed. I still think about you every day and feel you around me – making fun of things I say, do, and think.

You keep telling me to stop being so serious and to have some fun.

It’s hard to do especially now that mom and you are gone. The silence is deafening and the emptiness is uncomfortable. I have a lot of time to think about it and plenty of regrets. The tears fall often and sometimes I feel like someone just punched me in the gut still. I try to stay busy and keep things at bay but I’m afraid of letting it go.

It just hurts too much, and if I start sobbing maybe I will never stop. I have so many regrets. I’ve tried to do the right thing, take care of the family, and myself. But, I know I could have done better. But, you always think you will have time.

You don’t!

I had two premonitions about you before this happened and thought I was freaking crazy. But, it turns out, it was true.

I should have listened. I should have visited you when you begged me to. Would it have made a difference?

I’m sorry you were all alone in this world. I’m sorry that you had no family to help you. I’m sorry that you had the personality and addiction that keep us all away. But, I did talk to you on the phone, encouraged you, and told you I loved you. But, I guess visiting was the thing I could have done more of and I regret that.

I never got around to bringing you that portable washing machine. I never found the time to drive one and a half hours away to see my one brother. The only family I had left here in NY besides my children and grandchildren.

I am trying to do better at seeing your daughter. Right now she seems to be ignoring me. I’m sure she is hurting too; more than me.

You might have thought we were all better off without you.

But, you were wrong!

My heart hurts so much now that I know that you were so broken and relapsing. I was too busy with my own problems to pay attention to the hints you were giving.

I’ve looked at your Facebook posts from that day, and nothing seems out of the ordinary. It’s crazy that you posted in the morning and then at night, you decided to go.

I just can’t wrap my head around that concept.

Why didn’t you call me one last time? Would that have helped?

Today, I just realized that September is National Suicide Prevention Month. And one year ago and 4 days after you took your life.

We were supposed to be there for each other after mom died. I guess, I failed you in that.

I am sorry!

I love you anyway!